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ToThe GCSB: Please Allow Me To Explain…


By Alessandra Nixon

The high pitched sound that you hear down the telephone is not a true representation of my voice. I have a very old phone which distorts the pitch considerably. Often compared to the Scarlet Johansen or a young Angelina Jolie, my actual voice is sexy, a little husky and very bedroom friendly.

It might seem like I consume an excessive amount of Japanese takeaways. In fact, this frequent food choice is a response to the high cost of fresh produce. Perhaps you could pass this feedback along to Mr Key next time you chat?

My recent Amazon download of Fifty Shades of Grey was for research purposes only. A good knowledge of current pop culture is an intrinsic part of my job in media. Reading this trilogy should in no way be considered indicative of violent tendencies or a love of brutality.

Numerous visits to WikiLeaks and the website of political extremist group, Anonymous are the handiwork of my left-leaning flatmate who shares my computer. Come for him first but be warned, he won’t go easily. We have been trying to extract him from our residence for months.

The considerable number of missed calls from my mother might be misconstrued as avoidance or neglect, but I do visit frequently. The unanswered texts are simply due to my inability to understand her version of text speak. I’m sure even you are having trouble deciphering that code.

Those alluring Snapchat messages are not of me. I do not have a weird shaped mole on my inner thigh.

When I text John or Mark late at night to say ‘Hi’, I’m simply checking in to make sure they have made it home safely. Auckland is a dangerous city for young, attractive males.

My friends and I like Ryan Gosling a normal, average, girl amount. While it might seem obsessive, it is in fact, a normal amount. Ask anyone.

It probably seems like my best friend and I hate each other but that’s just how my generation talk to one anther. I call all my girlfriends bitches… us white girls from the burbs got to keep it a little bit gangster.

I do not have anger management issues. Everyone takes on a little Tony Soprano-type rage after an hour on hold with the Telco. Muttered death threats should not be taken seriously.

I use heaps of little emjois in my messages. A picture is worth a thousand words.

It seems like my biggest concern is deciphering why my new gentleman friend waited four days to call following our date. I do also care about world hunger and animal cruelty.

P.S - If you could provide any insight on why it might take a guy four days to call or John gets back to you with a response regarding the high price of produce, maybe you could get in touch. I feel like we are really starting to get to know one another.

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